Missing you

在爸爸去世后，我每次驾车时总是会掉眼泪。在他生病的后期，每次他去马大看医生的时候我们总是会驾车去。开始时他总是担心我们，因为我们三姐妹都是新手，况且我们都不太会认路，所以他总是不太敢休息。

那天我出车祸的时候我马上想到的是这次爸爸一定会骂死我，然后我回过神后才知道爸爸已经不在了。

除了跟PS聊天的时候谈起爸爸我会哭外，我并没有在任何面前哭过。我哭的时候总是一个人。只有自己一个人的时候，我才真正感觉到爸爸已经不在了，他从此也不会在了。我一个人在纽西兰，住在一间屋子里，我常常想起他。虽然知道自己可能永远都不会踏入婚姻，可是有时候我还是会想，爸爸不会看到我拥有属于自己的幸福的一天。

我很想念他。我想念我们驾车一起到医院的时候。我想念我们一起在病房的时候。我想念自己照顾他的时候。我想念与他躺在同一张病床的时候。我想念我们握手的时候。我想念他在客厅坐着看电视的时候。我想念他买早餐给我吃的日子。我想念他煲药给我喝的时候。我只是想念他。

爸爸是一个很听话的病人。他很少喊痛。我记得6月下旬他开始不太能够吃东西，开始觉得辛苦。后来我们终于在7月的时候让他住院动手术。那个手术当然并不能够让他康复，但至少可以减轻他的痛苦。我记得在手术后我问他感觉如何，他说舒服多了。小妹打电话来，他说着说着便泣不成声。我们于是又哭又笑。我们很高兴爸爸终于可以不用那么辛苦了。

在爸爸人生的最后两个月多，我看到脆弱的他，我看到极度需要爱与关怀的他。我看到无法再保护我的爸爸。我看到自己展开羽翼庇护他就像从前他庇护我们一样。

我想爸爸并不想离开。他一直都觉得自己可以战胜病魔。在他离开前的两天，我问他有没有什么事情要交代的，他说没有。我们的爱让他不想离开可是也让他可以平静地离开。他离开时的样子异常平静，就好像在睡觉一样。我握着他的手，有一点冷，可是他平时在医院的时候手也是一样的温度。有那么一瞬间我真的觉得他在睡觉。

我只是想念你，爸爸。

Goodbye to year 2009

Goodbye to year 2009

Year 2009 is coming to an end now and looking back at it, I feel relief. A lot had happened in the past one year and it certainly was a turbulent and challenging one.

Last year December, I received a bad news (dad’s CT scan came back and the cancer had spread) when I was travelling in SiChuan. It was hard but unlike when I first learnt that my dad was diagnosed with liver cancer in April 2008. That was the hardest time in my life until he passed away.

Things that I’ve done and happened in the year 2009

I celebrated my 30th birthday with my beloved friends and I had fabulous time. I felt blessed to have them in my life.

Flew to Laos in February.

My cousin passed away while I was in Laos.

Bought a ticket and flew to Athens in April. I spent 6 weeks in these countries: Greece, Bulgaria, Turkey, UAE.

I came home in early June and dad was deteriorating and it was fast.

Dad admitted to hospital for a procedure called TACE (Trans-arterial Chemo-embolisation) in July. He was there for about 10 days. It was then my sister and I witnessed those patients dying (or die) right in front of us and it was really scary. He left hospital feeling better.

He was admitted again one week after the procedure for anaemic.

Dad couldn’t pass urine and we sent him to local hospital in late August. He was there for 5 days or so before we decided to transfer him to UMMC. We went to the hospital by ambulance. It wasn’t the first time I was on an ambulance. I was sent to the hospital by ambulance when I had an accident in London. I was knocked down by a car when I was cycling home from work. Travelling on an ambulance with someone you loved and don’t know whether he was going to make it home was hard.
Dad was lucky, he had two daughters taking care of him 24 hours. I felt blessed to be able to be there for him and with him.
PS’ father was in the hospital around the same time and she was my pillar.
When we decided it was time for dad to go home, friend YC was there to see us off. My sister and I got on the ambulance with my dad and it was the hardest journey in life.
Dad passed away 1.5 hours after he got home on 3/9/09.

Less than 3 weeks later, PS’ father passed away.

I flew to Tianjin on 28/09/09. I spent 6 weeks in China and Mongolia.

Early October, when I was in Inner Mongolia, I got to know my friend YN’s mum had just passed away.

Late October, I got to know that G’s father was diagnosed with 4th stage liver cancer and he was given 3-6 months to live. I was in Mongolia by then and I felt so sad for him. I remember we celebrated his birthday in London in year 2007.

November. We celebrated CY’s 30th birthday in Bangkok. G’s father passed away. Jo’s mum was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I flew to New Zealand early December.

Celebrated Christmas on Lake Paringa, New Zealand.
I am going to welcome year 2010 in New Zealand and hopefully year 2010 is going to be a good year for everyone.

I am a car owner now!

I became quite depressed in Christchurch as I was suffering from hay fever and everything didn't seem right.
I moved back to town centre after 4 days in the countryside. I then found a job and needed to buy a car. I couldn't find anything that was good and close to what I could afford until today.
My boss Graham went to the carmarket with me and we found this car. He was being really helpful and I really appreciate it.
This car cost NZD1400 and it was a good car, I think.


My first car ever and it was registered under my name!!!
I didn't have enough money to buy the car at that time and Graham offered to help to pay first. So he paid NZD600 for me. They were so trusting though we only met 2 days ago.

I am going to a really remote area on the West Coast to work and I hope everything goes well there. No internet, no mobile phone and all that stuff. The nearest town is 60km away. I bought a few books at the charity shop yesterday and I think that can last me a month or so.

I am so excited about leaving Christchurch and hit the road and I will be on my own.

基督城

我来到纽西兰了！在基督城。不要问我这里美不美、空气好不好，因为我暂时还未感觉到。基督城并不是我喜欢的城市，我想我会比较喜欢与大自然同在。

在吉隆坡的机场的时候，美子打电话来，她在一月离开，于是说我们会在一月见面。可是我来到纽西兰的下午就读到她的电邮说她在基督城了，可以见面。于是我就到城里去。

我们第一次与最后一次见面是我在2006年从伦敦回国的时候在s城。这是我们第二次见面。

她带我逛了基督城，然后去银行等。

离开前，她一直提醒说我们还未拍照，于是就赶紧找人帮我们拍。

我会去她那里找她的！

启程

在2009年结束之前，我要展开生命的新一页了。

很期待，可是也有点紧张。

希望一切顺利。

朋友HS送我无印良品的札记本，我非常喜欢。谢谢啦。

希望我从纽西兰回来的时候是写满文字的。

六年前我无意间发现自己的右胸有一粒肿瘤，我当然害怕了。
后来看了医生，医生说动不动手术都没有关系。后来我问了许多人，大家都说还是动手术除掉会比较好。于是我听话，在2003年7年动手术割除肿瘤。

现在右胸有一个疤痕，我很少去看它或注意，反正它看起来也不会太明显或碍眼。

我在伦敦的时候，有一阵子胸部发疼，于是赶紧去看医生。医生说没有察觉任何肿瘤，所以没有需要作其他检查。

说真的，我都不太自我检查了。前几天听说朋友的妈妈又乳癌，于是我知道是时候开始自我检查了。

HAHAHAHA

Josh posted this on Facebook and it was hilarious!
It really cheered me up. I couldn't stop laughing!
Thank you my friend!

http://www.tackfilm.se/en/?id=1259829270809RA76&q=low

撞车啦撞车啦

从怡保回来的途中。
晚上。
撞到一直巨大无比的神牛。车子严重受伤。
神牛只是身体摇晃了几下，然后有老神在在地离开。

车里的四个人都吓得说不出话来。

我只记得近距离看到神牛在车前。然后我大声喊了出啦。然后‘碰’了一声。

好在每个人都平安无事。哦弥陀佛！

妹妹吓得要吃惊风散。我看我要去补运了。

Santa Claus is coming to town

（这个雪人真的是咸湿到！！可是我们喜欢！！）

嘿 又到圣诞

又到圣诞

下个圣诞 有唔今年咁年甘叹

邓小平 is coming to town.

我曾经告诉鲸这个歌词，然后我们都一直记得。那天在曼谷的购物商场走的时候听到这首歌，我们马上将歌词改掉，唱成这样。开心到！！！

花朵

这一朵花

现在

只为了你们而

盛放。